A Few Funny Courtroom Quotes....
Here are a few funny courtroom quotes I recently came across. You can't make this stuff up.
The Court: In this case the request is made for the appointment of the psychologist for the performance of an IQ test. The court does not see the need for an IQ test since it appears to me that he is dumber than a fencepost.
Counsel: Has the court stated it in numerical terms?
The Court: His IQ is less than zero.
Counsel: What device do you have in your laboratory to test alcohol content?
Witness: I have a dual column gas chromatograph, Hewlett-Packard 5710A with flame analyzation detectors.
The Court: Can you get that with mag wheels?
Witness: Only on the floor models.
Counsel: Now, in your report under "Foundation" you indicated that there is a minimum of cracking and no signs of settling.
Witness: Yes.
Counsel: When you say there is a minimum of cracking, I take it that you did find some cracking.
Witness: No. Because if I said there was no cracking, I would be in court just like this answering some stupid lawyers' questions. So I put minimum in there to cover myself, because somebody is going to find a crack somewhere.
The Court: I could say I would like to shake your hand, but I won't. Counsel: Move to strike --
The Court: No. We are not going to strike it.
Counsel: Move to strike the word "stupid," Your Honor.
The Court: The most appropriate word you want stricken? It is worth the whole trial.
Defense counsel: The truth of the matter is that you are not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas?
Witness: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
Just Another Day In Court.....
By the Court Clerk: Please repeat after me, "I swear by Almighty God ..."
By the Witness: I swear by Almighty God.
Clerk: That the evidence that I give ...
Witness: That's right.
Clerk: Repeat it.
Witness: Repeat it.
Clerk: No! Repeat what I said.
Witness: What you said when?
Clerk: That the evidence that I give ...
Witness: That the evidence that I give.
Clerk: Shall be the truth and ...
Witness: It will, and nothing but the truth!
Clerk: Please. Just repeat after me, "Shall be the truth and ..."
Witness: I'm not a scholar, you know.
Clerk: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me, "Shall be the truth and ..."
Witness: Shall be the truth and.
Clerk: Say, "Nothing ..."
Witness: Okay. [Witness remains silent]
Clerk: No! Don't say nothing. Say, "Nothing but the truth ..."
Witness: Yes.
Clerk: Can't you say, "Nothing but the truth ...?"
Witness: Yes.
Clerk: Well? ... Do so.
Witness: You're confusing me.
Clerk: Just say, "Nothing but the truth ..."
Witness: Is that all?
Clerk: Yes.
Witness: Okay. I understand.
Clerk: Then say it.
Witness: What?
Clerk: "Nothing but the truth ..."
Witness: But I do! That's just it.
Clerk: You must say, "Nothing but the truth ..."
Witness: I will say nothing but the truth!
Clerk: Please, just repeat these four words "Nothing," "But," "The" "Truth."
Witness: What? You mean, like, now?
Clerk: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
Witness: "Nothing. But. The. Truth"
Clerk: Thank you.
Witness: I'm not a scholar, you know.
The Rental Inspection Report
Okay guys, here's a quasi-legal story that's so funny I just have to post it. A renter is surprised with an unexpected rental inspection (say that five times fast) and mayhem ensues. Click "Read more" at the bottom of the first page of the blog to get the whole story.....
From:David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 30 September 2009 6.04pm
To: Peter Williams
Subject: Inspection Report
Dear Peter,
Thank you for the surprise inspection and invitation to participate in the next. I appreciate you underlining the text at the bottom of the page which I would otherwise have surely mistaken for part of the natural pattern in the paper. I was going to clean the apartment but had so many things on my ‘to do’ list that I decided to treat them all equally and draw pictures of sharks instead. I have attached one for your honest appraisal.
Regards, David.
Top Ten Things Not To Say To The Police
Okay, for all of you who come in and tell us your traffic citation/DUI horror stories, here are my Top Ten Thing Not To Say To The Police:
10. Officer, I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer for a sec.
9. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
8. Wow, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me. Those cop cars are really fast, huh?
7. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
6. You know, I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
5. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
4. You really ARE a cop?? Here I thought I was pulled over by one of the Village People.
3. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
2. I'm not as thunk as you drink I am.
1. Well, officer, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, I spilled my beer and my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. Sorry.
Seriously, people - when you're on the road, as Randy Newman says: "Keep your business clean."
Ten Worst Insurance Companies In America
Here's an interesting article I ran into put out by the American Association of Justice. Based on criteria such as insurance rates, claim denials, refusing insurance to those who need it most and general level of concern for policyholders, they have rated the ten worst insurance companies in America. To read the article, click here. Whether or not you agree with the list, the important thing to remember is that all insurance companies are not created equal.
In negotiating with insurance companies on behalf of our clients, we have learned that different insurance companies can take vastly different approaches in settling a claim. I remember a negotiation I had with an adjuster whose preferred form of communication was to shriek out denials and hang up on me, no matter how benign the reason for the call. Sometimes, insurance companies will simply try to wait out a claimant, thinking that the claimant will settle on the cheap rather than hanging in through a trial. We've been forced to file a lawsuit and spend months hacking our way through the litigation jungle right up until a few days before trial, only to have the insurance company offer a settlement in the amount for which we originally asked months earlier. The moral: check out your insurance company before you buy. It's not all about rates, either - make sure you pick an insurance company that will be there when you really need them.
Top Ten Legal Movies
Okay, here are my picks for the top ten legal movies of all time. Or, at least, my ten favorite:
1. A Civil Action - A story of sneaky legal manuevers, colossal egos, uncaring corporations, and how a big time personal injury case wrecks a small law firm. Excellent.
2. Witness For The Prosecution - Charles Laughton is unforgettable as the crusty yet brilliant english jurist. A great surprise ending.
3. To Kill A Mockingbird - Atticus Finch. What more can I say?
4. My Cousin Vinny - Allright, it ain't Shakespeare. But this is my list.
5. And Justice For All - If you think the legal system is about justice, watch this movie. Yikes.
6. Anatomy Of A Murder - James Stewart is brilliant - as usual - as defense counsel in a murder case. Clients like this will make you want to go back to working at the quarry.
7. Twelve Angry Men - A jury deliberates the fate of a young Puerto Rican. A compelling examination of prejudices, preconceptions, and peer pressure. And that's a lot of p's.
8. Judgement at Nuremberg - An all-star cast portrayal of the Nazi war crimes trial that still leaves us wondering, "How could this have happened?"
9. The Verdict - Paul Newman as the down-and-out attorney with one last shot at redemption. His best role. Except maybe Butch Cassidy, Cool Hand Luke, Henry Gondorf.....
10. Kramer v. Kramer - Divorce case nightmare with a somewhat dated legal outcome - or at least I hope so.
