Okay guys, here's a quasi-legal story that's so funny I just have to post it. A renter is surprised with an unexpected rental inspection (say that five times fast) and mayhem ensues.
From:David Thorne Date: Wednesday 30 September 2009 6.04pm To: Peter Williams Subject: Inspection Report
Thank you for the surprise inspection and invitation to participate in the next. I appreciate you underlining the text at the bottom of the page which I would otherwise have surely mistaken for part of the natural pattern in the paper. I was going to clean the apartment but had so many things on my ‘to do’ list that I decided to treat them all equally and draw pictures of sharks instead. I have attached one for your honest appraisal.
From: Peter Williams Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 9.41am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Inspection Report
I recommend you take this matter more seriously. You were sent notice of the inspection as part of our normal procedure. In addition to the cleaning, the light fitting in the lounge room is broken and the apartment smells of smoke.
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 10.26am To: Peter Williams Subject: Re: Re: Inspection Report
The light fitting was the victim of a toy light sabre being swung in a space too small to do the same with a cat. I dodged a leaping double handed overhead attack and the fitting, being fitted, didn’t. I will grab a matching replacement $12 fitting from IKEA the next time I require a tiny ironing board or glass tea light.
The smell you mistook for cigarette smoke was probably just from the fog machine. Each Tuesday I hold a disco in my bedroom with strobe lighting and special guest. As my wardrobe door has a large mirror on it, it looks like someone is dancing with you. I once dressed as a lady and it was almost exactly what I imagine dancing with a real lady would be like. Unfortunately, I kept worrying about falling, hitting my head and being found dressed that way so she left after only a few dances and a brief kiss. You should come one night, it will be a dance spectacular. I imagine you are probably a good dancer because you are small and the smallest member of the Rocksteady Crew was definitely the best one.
From: Peter Williams Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 1.16pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report
I do not appreciate being called small and being sent stupid drawings of me being eaten by a shark. The apartment is to be cleaned and reinspected in two weeks time. You can't have a fog machine or anything like that at the apartment in case the smoke damages the walls.
From: David Thorne Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 4.02pm To: Peter Williams Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report
I apologise for mentioning your smallness. It must be a subject most people you know avoid. Was it the Rocksteady Crew comment or the fact that the shark was actually very small in the picture, making you, in comparison, the size of a very small fish? I have attached a revised version which you can print out, pin to your cubicle wall, look at whenever you are feeling down and think "That Volkswagen looks way too small for me to get into, I must be huge."
From: Peter Williams Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 5.12pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report
Do not send me anymore drawings. I am not joking. I am keeping a record of everything you send, just so you know. If the apartment is not clean when we reinspect in two weeks time, we will consider terminating the lease as we have also had ongoing noise complaints regarding the premises.
From: David Thorne Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 6.27pm To: Peter Williams Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report
Yes, I find loud music helps me relax while I clean as the music distracts me so much that I stop cleaning. Which is relaxing. I will probably get onto it this week though as I do not wish to be evicted. I have developed a severe case of agoraphobia and residing in an apartment where I can reach all four walls while standing in the one spot brings me a feeling of security and the daily culling of plague proportion cockroaches gives me something to do in my spare time. I class the eighteen cans of surface spray I use per week as sporting equipment.
I purchased one of those electronic things that plugs into the wall which is meant to scare cockroaches by sending a pulse through the apartment wiring but while it has reduced the numbers, it seems others have evolved to feed off the electrical signal, increasing their size. I am using one as a coffee table in the lounge and two smaller ones as side tables in the bedroom. They would probably be susceptible to carbon monoxide poisoning though so I will try running a hose pipe from my car exhaust to the apartment, closing the windows and leaving the vehicle running overnight. It is apparently an odourless gas so should not prove an issue for my son’s cub group sleepover. Also, I read somewhere once that cockroaches can survive a nuclear attack so I have been collecting the dead ones and intend to glue several thousand to the walls thereby ensuring my survival should Cyberdyne Systems become self aware between now and when the lease runs out.
From: Peter Williams Date: Friday 02 October 2009 10.18am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report
I am not going to waste my time reading any more of your stupid nonsense. Clean the property or we will terminate the lease – the choice is yours. Do not email me again unless it is of a serious matter.
From: David Thorne Date: Friday 02 October 2009 10.36am To: Peter Williams Subject: Chomp chomp chomp
Note: Peter’s profile on his company’s website declares that Peter, an assistant rental manager, enjoys cricket and coin collecting. And once swam with sharks. These conflicting pastimes puzzled me until I got to where he listed Flowers in the Attic by Virginia Andrews as his favourite novel and I realised he was simply insane.
I am not a great fan of rental property inspections but they are preferable to rental property inspections without warning. Especially if you are not home at the time. And you haven’t cleaned since a four day binge of beer, cigarettes and internet. And you have an adult movie cover left on top of the television in the bedroom. Next to drugs.